Background:
As a Master's students in a counselling psychology program, we were encouraged to do the work ourselves that we would be asking our clients to do. Go see a counsellor! Find out what a counselling session feels like as the client, was the advice given to us. I had done some counselling individually. Since my husband and I got married just three months before I started my program, we soon found we had opportunities to explore counselling together as a couple.
My individual counselling experience hadn't been exactly what I expected. Frankly, it was my first experience of counselling, so I didn't even know what I was looking for. I just knew that something about it didn't feel like a fit, but I wasn't sure what it was.
When I started looking for a counsellor for my newly started marriage partnership, I knew I wanted someone who was a fit. I made a few phone calls and spoke to a few answering machines. I received some return calls as I gathered information. However, one phone call left me knowing that I had found the counsellor for us. I couldn't describe it, but the voice on the phone, how he responded to my questions, the genuineness and warmth that I felt - it all just left me feeling safe and not scared to start this journey.
Clients and their approach to counselling:
Sometimes clients come to counselling like I did - with uncertainty about what to even ask and what to look for. I published a recent post and podcast episode that talks about how to find a counsellor. You can read it or listen to it at this link:
However, other clients have some knowledge about the different modalities and counselling styles. These clients often ask about my approach to counselling. This was a question we also had to answer in grad school... with a paper of course! I remember writing the paper and coming to the understanding that my approach would likely resonate most as being eclectic. There were elements of the different theories and modalities of practice that resonated with me and elements that did not. None of what we studied felt like a 100% fit.
I was comforted by some of the studies we read about that said while some modalities definitely showed scientific evidence of efficacy, the one constant across all the modalities that indicated a higher likelihood of counselling being effective was the connection between the counsellor and the client.
My approach to counselling:
Some counsellors do find a niche that works well for them and specialize deeply in this area. I always wished I could be someone like that. However, much like high school was for me - generally doing well in all subjects, but not finding one that completely grasped me - so I found the approaches to counselling. All provided components that resonated with who I was and offered wisdom and knowledge, but none felt so right that I could see myself listing it as my descriptor.
In part that may be because I do struggle to fit into boxes. I also think that it is because I see the details of each situation and feel like no matter what the issue, it is more about the person than about a right approach to managing it.
So I find myself back in the same place I started at the beginning of my journey. Who am I as a counsellor? What modalities most resonate with me? I'm eclectic, and it depends on the person I am working with.
As a clinician, I draw on many modalities. I have basic training in EMDR - it is a newer addition to my practice. I have found it helpful with some clients. I am still learning to feel comfortable with it myself, so I always give my clients that information: We will be learning and discovering together, trusting in the process to guide us.
Emotion focused therapy is very much in line with how I work. Emotions give us information about what is happening and can be helpful to identify in the process of change. I see great value in self-discovery and listening to the emotions. They are, after all, simply indicators that something is going on and can offer us great insight into our experiences.
I see therapy as a journey on which I have the privilege of joining my client. I love to help clients understand themselves better and learn what they need in order to grow. I often describe myself as client centered, not because I don't offer any insight, but because I see myself as coming alongside, rather than as being the expert. I am really only the expert on myself. However, I may have insights to offer that can be of help to my clients on their journey.
I have participated in workshops and been inspired by the work of some of the giants in our field such as Sue Johnson, the Gottmans, Frank Anderson, Terry Real, David Kessler, Mary Kurcinka, Ross Greene, and others. One of my favourite annual learning opportunities of the last number of years has been participating in the Psychotherapy Networker Convention where psychologists, counsellors, social workers and other professionals have the opportunity to learn at the feet of experts and founders.
Key elements of the therapeutic process (from my perspective):
There are a few key things that are vital for me when it comes to my counselling office.
SAFETY - I work very hard to create a space that feels and is safe for my clients. It is so important to me that each person that comes through my door feels valued and cared for. For many clients, a first appointment is anxiety inducing and even frightening! My aim is to set people at ease and to let them know that they are safe.
AUTHENTICITY - I strive to be authentic in all I do. I want people to meet me as I am, whether that is at work, at home, or in the community. If you work with me, you will likely learn some things about who I am, what I enjoy doing, and who my family is. This connects to my next element - relationship.
Photo Credit: Jenni Marie Photography
https://www.facebook.com/jennimariephotography
RELATIONSHIP - As part of being authentic, I recognize that counselling is a relationship. It is a somewhat unusual relationship, but it still has two people getting to know each other. When appropriate, I share stories from my own life or information that clients might find helpful. The session is about the client - it's their session. Yet I bring my whole self to the process, not as an expert, but as a fellow human on a journey.
EXPERTISE - As mentioned above, I do not see myself as an expert. I see my clients as the experts on their own lives. I am someone who is coming alongside to listen, to ask questions that provoke thought, to offer insights, to provide suggestions and tools as needed. However, ultimately, counselling is about my client and about what is helpful for them. I like to ask clients early on what they are looking for in the counselling relationship, what they have found helpful and unhelpful in previous experiences, and what their expectations and hopes are so that I can be helpful to them. When I make suggestions or offer ideas, I like to be very clear that there is no expectation that the client will take those. Rather, the client is free to evaluate and decide which pieces fit for them and which don't.
FEEDBACK - I love positive feedback! Who doesn't? I am happy to hear when things are working well. However, I think that feedback when things aren't working well is equally important, and maybe even more important. If things aren't working well for the client, either I need to shift my approach, or I need to help them find a counsellor who is a better fit. What better place to practice these skills of having difficult conversations, being open and honest, and sharing what one really needs than in the safety of a counselling office?
My hope in writing this post is to give people a sense of who I am and how I approach counselling. If this has prompted questions that you feel I haven't answered, please shoot me an email at haide.counsellor@gmail.com and let me know. I am happy to continue the conversation.
Until next time,
Haide
Photo Credit: Jenni Marie Photography
https://www.facebook.com/jennimariephotography
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