I love the quote by Karen Salmansohn of NotSalmon.com. She states that:
"Sometimes you just need to talk about something - not to get sympathy or help - but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air."
This echoes the words of Harriet Lerner:
What makes talking about something so helpful? There is definitely a part that has to do with what we gain from others. We can gain helpful perspective that might be hard to see when we are immersed in our moment. We might gather ideas on how others would handle a similar situation. We might talk with someone who is good at seeing next steps when we're stuck.
Diane Dreher summarizes some of the research on why talking, writing, and being mindful of our emotions is helpful at this link:
The first step is often acknowledging to ourselves that what we experienced is true, actually happened, and impacted us in a significant way. Change doesn't end with awareness, but the process does start there.
As we become aware of the things that have had an impact in our lives, we have the opportunity to learn and grow from there. I often find people look to place blame. This seems a natural human instinct. We seek to preserve ourselves and sometimes that comes in the form of blaming others to protect ourselves. However, this does not lead to change.
I encourage clients not to think of blame or pointing fingers - not at others and also not at themselves. Blame often seeks to keep us stuck. This doesn't mean we gloss over things or say everything is fine, however. Understanding the impact someone's actions had on us, regardless of their intent, and understanding and acknowledging the impact our actions had on others is a significant part of processing difficult situations.
When we focus on the impact, we can find ways to move forward. If the other person is willing to have healthy conversations, to acknowledge the impact their actions have had on us (remembering that there are two viewpoints and that people experience things differently), taking responsibility for their part, the relationship may be able to grow and change for the better.
Part of this process includes self-examination. Did we play a part, even if it was small? Was there a way in which we didn't show up well for ourselves in the interaction? Was there a way in which we contributed to the situation at hand? Is there something we could try differently? (Disclaimer: In the case of abuse, the abuse is 100% the responsibility of the abuser)
When both people in a relationship are willing to learn and grow, to listen and understand, to acknowledge and own their part, there is great potential for a different relationship moving forward.
Yet we must also acknowledge that even when one person is willing, this is not always the case. If the other person is not able to have those conversations in a healthy way, we need to take steps to discern what kind of relationship we can have with this person. Sometimes this may be a limited relationship or no relationship.
While our hope is to have good relationships and to heal past hurts, for relational healing and healthy relationships moving forward, this genuinely does require both people to work together.
Wherever you find yourself today, in whichever relationship feels challenging, allow yourself to bring forward the feelings, to acknowledge and verbalize or write out the truth of what you are processing, because "Sometimes you just need to talk about something - not to get sympathy or help - but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air."
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