Sometimes things are not what they seem. My then good friend and I were heading to see a movie. We had been enjoying spending a lot of time together and were enjoying the friendship we were building. I, however, do not like living with uncertainty, so I thought it might be time to start the DTR conversation (define the relationship, in case you're not familiar with the acronym).
"Soooo... Where do you see us heading?" In the context of the conversation, I thought he had understood the purpose of the question. "Across the bridge and into Vancouver," was his response. I knew he was rather quirky, so I chalked it up to his sense of humour.
Thankfully, I didn't leave the conversation there, assuming that he wasn't interested in having this conversation. I attempted again, offering clarity on what I was looking for. "Haha, very funny! I mean in terms of our relationship and the future."
What would have happened if I assumed that he wasn't interested in having the conversation? That perhaps the interest in pursuing a relationship was just on my side of things and that he didn't enjoy spending time with me? I likely wouldn't have made another attempt at the conversation. I may have been quieter, participated less in conversing, and perhaps even stopped inviting him to spend time together.
If I had made that assumption and not clarified, it would have changed my experience of the relationship, it likely would have changed how I interacted in the relationship, and it would have had the potential to change the trajectory of the relationship.
In later times in our relationship, it has become clear that while my partner does indeed have a quirky of humour, we have also discovered that he is autistic and sometimes the interactions between us become misunderstandings because of how we process differently. The importance of checking assumptions has been underscored for us as a result of this awareness.
However, the skill of checking assumptions is not just important in neurodiverse/neurotypical relationships, but in all relationships that strive to have good communication and grown in closeness.
For those of us who have not spent extensive years in science and research, our exposure to hypothesis, experiment, and conclusion may harken back to high school days when we had worksheets that laid out the different steps in the scientific method.
I sometimes wonder how much more effective our communication would be if we realized that the steps in this method are also incredibly helpful when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Now that may sound strange, you think, for surely I can't mean that we need to do an experiment every time we have a conversation? While the formality of the process is not necessary in healthy communication, the checking of assumptions and looking for evidence and clarification is actually something that changes relationships radically.
As one of my clients once stated, "Once you asked me if it was possible that I was making an assumption without actually checking whether it was true, I started to notice how many assumptions I make on a regular basis!"
What is an assumption? An assumption is something that one accepts as being true without question or proof. Why does it matter to relationship? Assumptions can actually lead to mistaken beliefs. These mistaken beliefs can cause hurt, rupture, and distance in a relationship when they are not addressed.
Pay attention to all the assumptions you make in your life on a daily basis. When you swing your feet out of bed, do you check to make sure there is a floor beneath you or do you assume the floor will be there? Do you check to see if the water in the pipes is connected to the source or do you just turn on the tap and anticipate that water will flow? While some of these assumptions make sense and are reasonable because they happen with regular consistency, humans are more subtle.
Humans experience life in different ways, speak in different ways, have differing thoughts behind words spoken. Once we understand someone at a heart and personal thoughts level, we might be more likely to make correct assumptions. However, even then, miscommunications happen no matter how well you communicate and how well you understand each other.
Richard and I just returned home after a visit to see our chosen family, our best friends. On one of the days, we ate out and I brought home some leftovers. Richard was heading back to the car, so I asked him to bring the container inside for me. Implied in my head was that he would bring the leftovers in and put them in the fridge ("Isn't that what one does with leftovers?" I assumed). He graciously brought them inside.
A little later I noticed my container of leftovers sitting on the kitchen table. Because we have been married for over 30 years and have worked through many communication snags, when I saw the container I laughed. In fact we all laughed as we realized the miscommunication that had happened. As mentioned earlier, Richard is autistic and is sometimes quite literal. He had done exactly what I had requested.
If I hadn't learned so much about him over the years, rather than injecting some levity into our day, it could have been the start of an argument. What might I have assumed? Perhaps I might have made judgements about him: that he was lazy, that he couldn't be bothered to actually help me, or that he didn't care about whether my food was fresh and edible. Or I might have made assumptions that felt hurtful to me: that he didn't love me enough to actually do what I needed, or that he didn't care about me.
I find when I am working with relationships, often the biggest misunderstandings start about small things. Those small things are not clarified and are experienced as an attack, and then grow into larger things. As I often say to the couples I work with, "It's probably not about the socks."
Arguments often start over small things like the socks on the floor, when in reality they are not about the socks at all. If we can have curiosity and check assumptions, if we can have curiosity and ask questions to learn about the other's heart and viewpoint, the course of our conversation can change and it can actually be about what it really going on.
Maybe what we learned in high school science class can be useful as we approach our relationships with a willingness to ask questions and to be proven wrong.
The conversation all those years ago that began with "Where are we headed?" has brought much joy and laughter to our story of us. While we didn't fully recognize the significance of it then, it was the start of a journey that made it abundantly clear that the less we assume, the more we are willing to hear one another and learn about one another, the better our connection and our communication will be and the closer we will grow together. Thirty plus years later, we continue to learn and grow and we do so intentionally and as a team. Good communication and healthy relationship requires intentionality and a willingness to learn and grow together.
~ Haide
Questions for thought:
What are some assumptions that you make about your partner, friend, or family member that could benefit from some questions that seek to understand?
Do some of the assumptions you make in relationship actually tie back to hurts in your life? Sometimes the assumptions are strategies we use to keep ourselves safe, even when we are no longer in a situation that is unsafe?
When a conversation goes off the rails and doesn't end well, ask yourself if there were any assumptions made in the conversation that could be clarified. The course of a conversation can change when one of the people in the conversation can see an opportunity for trying something different (an idea fleshed out in Sue Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight").
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