A question regularly raised in counselling is "who am I?"
In our society, we are often valued for – and thus we place value on – what we do. We may identify ourselves by our occupation – accountant, customer service representative, IT specialist. Alternatively, we may identify ourselves by our primary role – child, parent, spouse or partner, student.
However, there can be some pitfalls to relying too heavily on these roles. For example, when one’s child finds their own personality and ends up living life in a way that is different from what their parents thought would be the case, parents may view themselves as a failure. When a student fails to do well in school or fails to complete a course, they may see themselves as an underachiever.
Equally, if our whole existence seems to depend on what we do, who are we once we retire or if we lose our job? When we only value what we do, we can often live unhealthy lives out of balance. We risk burning ourselves out.
While there is definitely value to the things we do, our true value lies not wholly in what we do, but in who we are.
We are often faced more deeply with the implications of this question when we encounter situations that limit what we are able to do. Physical illness, chronic illness, emotional turmoil and grief, or mental health challenges are just some of the disruptions that can invite us to re-examine how we define ourselves.
Our society places significant value on visible results. However, I want to propose a different thought:
The results we don't necessarily see - the internal, character shaping changes - might actually be the ones that end up benefitting us and the world around us more.
These moments when we can no longer produce results often feel devastating. If our value has been significantly weighted by our ability to produce, to perform, to appear successful to others, this can cause a significant crisis of confidence.
Even if we have done a good job of balancing who we are, we may feel societal pressure as others as us questions like, “What do you do?” or “How has work been?” People may feel in these moments that they have no value, no significance, and nothing to offer.
Often, when we choose a better path, a healthier path, and one that leads to a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose, we can feel like we are going against the stream. Choosing this path of living our internal value is one that deviates us from North American society. Yet I believe it is where we truly do find a greater sense of well-being.
These moments where we are confronted with this question of “Who am I” – I believe can be an opportunity for reflection and growth. This process provides us with an invitation to examine the parts of our life and thought that are helpful and those that are unhelpful.
Who we are is not about our external success in society’s eyes. Rather, it is much more about who we are at our core. When we focus on who we are in terms of our character, our values, and our strengths, we give so much to the world around us, even if our physical ability to produce visible results is limited.
When we start with our core, we learn to love and accept ourselves - strengths, challenges, and quirks – and we can be "comfortable in our own skin.”
Think about a situation when you have spent time with someone who seems confident in who they are in such a way that they don’t need to compare themselves to others. Being confident in themselves allows them to celebrate and encourage the things they see in those around them.
When we can be so completely ourselves that we don’t have to be different than we are, it also gives those in our sphere of influence permission to be completely themselves. As a result, we provide a grounded presence in which others feel confident and secure. This is freeing!
We also participate in the world by using our strengths well, rather than simply doing what we think we should be doing. We are able to live without being overly driven to use our strengths out of healthy balance. This in turn actually allows us to contribute in a meaningful and sustainable way. I also believe it allows us to show others how living with balance looks and feels.
Living a life of balance based on our values invites us to ask ourselves questions. Sometimes we think of these as questions we might look back on from the end of our journey.
At first answering of these questions can sometimes bring out the inner critic – that voice that wants to tear us down and keeps us stuck. Invite the compassionate voice, the one that truly sees who you are and who you can be to help you answer these questions.
What are the things I value most? (Relationship, quality, strength, etc.)
What are the character traits I strive for? (Honesty, congruence, kindness, etc.)
What are the things that excite or inspire me?
Where or in what situations do I feel most like myself?
At my deepest core, as the person I was created to be, who am I?
Once you’ve identified these intensely personal and deeply significant pieces, ask yourself how your life currently aligns with these. Are there areas where you are already living into who you are? Find ways to continue and grow those! Are there areas where you feel like you are deviating from them or actively working against them? Find ways to take steps towards the path you want to be on.
You are unique and wonderful. You don’t need to be who anyone else thinks you should be. Rather, be who you are. Live intentionally, being who you are fully.
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