Being honest with our emotions and our reality is something that can be very difficult. We might have found that expressing our emotions and sharing our reality wasn't safe. As little children, we do the best we can in difficult situations and we learn how to adapt to survive and to keep ourselves safe as best we can manage. Often these strategies seem to work for us for a long time.. until they don't.
Whether we learned it from our families, from our friends, from our environment, or from society, honesty is often something that we might have learned to hide.
When we are not in an emotionally safe space, being honest can feel far too vulnerable and even dangerous. So when our safety strategy includes hiding the truth and shoving it deep inside where it feels safe, it can keep us safe in challenging situations.
Yet there is another side to this safety strategy. Once we are no longer dependent on the unsafe relationships and situations that required us to learn this strategy, enacting it can actually hurt both ourselves and others.
The damage to ourselves might be easier to understand - we feel alone, we feel like we aren't able to be our true selves, we sell ourselves out, we can't hold true to our values.
Karen Salmondson of NotSalmon.com writes that "Sometimes you just need to talk about something - not to get sympathy or help - but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air."
Talking about it starts with talking honestly to ourselves and may include other safe and trusted people who we know will be there to offer acceptance and compassion. We'll talk more about that later in this post.
But what about damage to others? Does that make sense to you? Or do you find that one of the reasons you hide the truth is to protect others?
In unhealthy relationships, we might learn that we need to hide the truth, for with the truth, the relationship might not survive.
The reality is that healthy relationships require effort and intentionality. While we may want to stay at a safer-feeling surface level relationship, true connection can only happen when we are able to be honest, truthful, and are able to share from a heart level.
Sharing honestly has to be done with kindness and gentleness that comes from a deep place of connection - this isn't permission to "just be honest." Rather, it is about opening the guarded spaces within us to the safety of another who is equally willing to open their guarded spaces to our creating of safety.
There is healing that comes from being able to share our deepest and darkest parts of ourselves - the parts we believe will chase people away - and be embraced with love and acceptance.
The mistaken message we may have received as children is that if we open ourselves up and the other person isn't there or even pushes us away or criticizes us, it's about us and our lovability or our worthiness.
The truth is, we were brave to open ourselves up. The recipient of our bravery may not have been in an emotionally healthy place to respond with safety and acceptance.
But it was never about us.
When we've learned to believe it was about us, we may keep our truth inside. We may find ourselves walking away from significant relationships without conversation, not letting people in, or blowing up at those we love because we can only bottle emotions for so long.
The good news is that we are never too old to heal, to grow, and to start doing life differently!
Ask yourself, are there significant relationships in your life that are healthy and safe where you are guarding yourself? Are there safe relationships where your walls are preventing you from having the deeply connected relationship you desire?
Here's an exercise to start practicing being brave:
Write, unscripted and unfiltered, about a situation where you didn't say what you wanted to say. There's no right or wrong here, no screening yourself. This is for your eyes only, so be honest about your thoughts and feelings.
Put it away for a day and come back to it. What do you notice now? Are there key points you recognize for yourself about what matters to you? Are there things that you need to share with another person in order to deepen and grow the relationship? If so, move on to step 3.
Take time to rewrite the parts you need to share. Do this with kindness, honesty, and integrity. Think of invitation: you are inviting the other to participate in a deeper, more meaningfully connected relationship. Give it a chance to sit for a few hours or a day.
If after writing and taking time to process you recognize that you do need to share, start with your positive purpose: "This relationship matters to me and I want it to be fantastic. Because of that, I need to share something with you that is on my heart." Find your own words to convey this thought.
Remember that good conversations don't happen without practice. If things don't go well, have a conversation about the conversation.
You can also reach out for help. Find a psychotherapist who can work with you. Read books such as relationship books by experts such as the Gottmans, Sue Johnston, Terry Real, and others. Follow healthy relationship accounts on social media.
I'm going to leave you with words the words of the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles that speaks about the freedom that comes from being brave and letting the words out.
~ Haide
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
But don't run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Innocence, your history of silence
Won't do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Sara Bareilles - Brave (Official Video):
Comments