I would venture to guess that most people do not enjoy having difficult conversations. I don't love them myself! But sometimes, because we value the relationship we have with someone, we know we need to have that difficult conversation. I recently came across this post on social media that gave some great tips for how to do this well.
I often encourage my clients to "lead with intention." We are human and we are not mind-readers. Something that may seem blindingly obvious to us may not be so for the person we are having a conversation with.
I have been know to start conversations with my hubby in this way, "I love you and I want our relationship to be fantastic, not just tolerable. So I need to talk to you about something that has been on my mind."
While this is no guarantee that it will be received well, it definitely works at setting the stage, letting him know my heart and where I am coming from. This can help combat automatic thoughts and internal voices that sometimes get in the way of hearing the other, such as "I never do anything right," "She doesn't want to be in this relationship," "This is a broken relationship," and so on.
Great communication starts with how we approach the other person. John & Julie Gottman, well-known marriage researchers and the founders of the Gottman Institute call this soft start-up. Here is their definition of soft start-up: "A soft start-up serves to protect both you and your partner from feeling either attacked or defensive. It's a proven way to bring up a legitimate disagreement, concern, issue, complaint, or need without blaming your partner or judging their character."
[You can read more here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/#:~:text=A%20soft%20start%2Dup%20serves,partner%20or%20judging%20their%20character.]
Sara Kuburic, in her visual below, lists some common strategies for good communication:
Listen to understand, not just to rebut. This one can be tough! We might feel the other person is totally out of line and we need to correct something they might be misunderstanding. However, as soon as we do that, we lose the opportunity to hear them. This is a pretty common place where conversations get derailed.
Focus on what I am feeling or needing rather than attacking or pointing the finger at the other person. This one actually goes hand in hand with focus on the issue, not the person. "You made me feel angry" points the finger directly at the other person and is likely a setup for a good argument. However, "When you did this, I felt like I didn't matter and that made me really angry" helps the other person understand what is going on for us.
Stay on topic! If another topic comes up, acknowledge it, but come back to the first topic. This might sound something like, "I hear that you would really like to talk about that and I get it. Let's write that down and come back to it later. Let's tackle on item/topic at a time."
In a healthy relationship, there is room for both people. Both people's perspective matters; both people are heard. While one person speaks and the other is the listener, at some point the roles should also shift. One caveat... we often switch roles too quickly and without actually having done the listening role well. Remember how I said earlier to listen to understand? No matter how much we may disagree or may see it differently from our perspective, we can not have a good conversation if we have not fully listened, understood, and confirmed that we have accurately understood what the other person has said.
Use kind words. Degrading, attacking, and hurtful language is not a foundation for a healthy relationship. Be honest, but speak intentionally and lovingly. Name-calling and language that attacks or belittles our partner is corrosive to a relationship. Use thoughtful, intentional, and loving words!
Time-out! A conversation that is difficult is often one that we have had numerous times and the issue may not be resolvable immediately or even resolvable ever. Focus on having a good conversation, not on resolving the issue. When we have good conversations, we often make more progress on difficult issues than when our goal is to resolve the issue. Taking a time out when you need to calm yourself down will be helpful for you, the other, and the relationship.
Above all else, think relationship first! If the purpose of having difficult conversations is to better the relationship, and if we keep that in mind, it can help us put into practice some of these good communication skills that help us get there.
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