In 2016, we were learning how to navigate life well with the growing awareness of how our autistic family members could be most supported through the holiday season. Times of disruption - even when it is good disruption like parties and presents! - can be significantly stressful for autistic families. This post was written during the Christmas season of 2016. I'm pulling it out of the archives today, because the experience was a helpful part of my own processing and I hope it can also be helpful to other families walking this journey.
‘Tis the season of expectations. Expectations of what gatherings will happen, expectations of gifts given and received, expectations of family time and celebrations. The challenge, when autism is part of one’s landscape, is that expectations become something one needs to hold lightly.
I remember when my fiancé and I were planning our wedding. I knew many things could turn out differently than expected, so my one constant thought was, “As long as we’re married by the end of the day, we’ve met our goal.” A number of years later, when we were expecting our first child, our birth class instructor talked about expectations around birth and cautioned us to hold our expectations lightly, always being prepared that things may not turn out as planned. So I carried with me the mantra, “As long as my baby is born and is doing well, it doesn’t matter how he or she comes into this world.”
This holiday season I have been reflecting on how those moments were moments that prepared me for many moments to come. I may have ideas about things that would be great to do as a family, but things often don’t turn out as expected, and I have to hold those desires and wishes lightly.
One of the things I really enjoy doing is driving to places with Christmas lights and walking through displays to enjoy their beauty. I heard about a lovely lakeside walk with many thousands of lights that I thought would be a great walk with the kids. Initially, it looked like I might get my whole family to walk with me. However, as we got closer, my oldest complained of a stomach ache and did not want to join us. This is one of those moments where I have a choice. I can choose to hold tightly to my expectations and insist that they come with us, likely creating the sort of outing that leaves everyone stressed and snapping, or I can choose to accept that things may not turn out as I had hoped and go with it.
One thing we have noticed in the past year is that, for our two oldest who have reached their teen years, anxiety has been on the increase. As well, they have become much more aware of their anxiety and significantly more able to express it in words rather than in behaviours. We found this year’s family Christmas gatherings were stressful for them. However, we have also learned from past years to hold our expectations lightly.
Over the years, we have developed some strategies that were helpful this year. We took two vehicles. I arrived with the two eldest just around the time that food was to start. As soon as gifts and dessert was done, I packed them up and headed home, leaving hubby to bring home the gifts, food, and other items we had brought along. We have learned that this significantly eases the anxiety and the likelihood of a meltdown at the gathering or on the way home. It has been a number of years since we have had to pull over at the side of the road because it is not safe to drive with the events transpiring in the vehicle.
So as I reflect on these moments of holding expectations loosely, more like holding hope, I realize that those early days and those early experiences prepared me for this road I didn’t know - providing me skills I didn’t know I’d need, and teaching me patience I didn’t think I had.
So as we enter a new year, I wish you all hope for the days ahead, patience for the present moments, and joy as you walk your journey, for each one of us has areas in life that offer us challenges and that provide us opportunities to grow.
~ Haide
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