In his book "The Growing Season" Nelson Boschman writes:
"When things are especially painful or difficult, and they've been that way a long time, it's easy to buy into the narrative that it will always be this way. To give in to despair. To resign. When you are suffering, it's a huge gift to hear, read or watch someone else's story. To witness another human being hold onto hope amid struggle. To know we're not alone. We need their story because they mirror our story. They help us find places of belonging and connection. They remind us waht it means to be human." (pp. 76-77).
In my counselling practice, I have realized how significant stories are in the process of healing and growth. There is power in the telling of a story. Being able to give word to what has been growing inside us, what has been our unwitnessed experience, these are important parts of moving forward and growing.
Karen Salmansohn of NotSalmon.com writes that "Sometimes you just need to talk about something - not to get sympathy or help - but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air."
Giving word to our experiences, to our thoughts, to the deep things within us that we think will chase people away is actually the beginning of freedom. When my husband and I were engaged and planning our wedding, I remember thinking that I needed to share some things with him that I was sure would change how he saw me. This part of me - deep, dark, not previously shared with anyone - I was sure would render me unlovable in his eyes. Yet, there was a part of me that knew that if I didn't share it, the power it had over me would grow.
So I chose a time and place to talk to him about this part of me that I felt was so dark. His response? He held me, told me how much he loved me, and let me know how much he respected me for sharing this with him. Then he shared what for him felt like something he could never tell anyone for fear of judgement. I remember feeling so honoured that he would trust me enough to share with me. All I wanted was to hold him and let him know how much I respected him and how much I appreciated his vulnerability and honesty.
As I look back over our almost 30 years of marriage, I can see how that early conversation shaped our relationship, built a foundation of honesty and trust, and let us both know that we were definitely in this together. If we could share our deepest, darkest parts with each other and still be loved and accepted, in fact, be honoured and respected because of it, we knew we were safe with one another.
As a counsellor, I often get to witness these moments where someone shares a deep dark part - something about themselves, something they have experienced, something that was done to them - and I get to be a safe person who values them, honours them, and holds space for them. What a privilege I find this part of my job to be! There is a sense of freedom that comes with being seen and being able to give word to the previously unspoken.
The sharing of our stories can also work to give others hope. When we are willing to share our stories, others may see themselves in those stories. They may feel that they are not alone and that someone understands. Sometimes, if we are further along the journey, they may glean hope from our experiences.
When we started unschooling our kids, I had many, many moments of agony about whether I was doing the right thing, whether our kids would learn and grow, or whether I was "ruining them for life" (quoting no one other than myself here!). I remember reading and re-reading the stories of other unschooling moms whose kids were living full and rich lives - some as entrepreneurs, some in university where they gained admission without a highschool graduation certificate, some doing what they absolutely loved and thriving. Although I had no guarantees, it gave me hope that maybe we were on a path that lead someone other than doom.
If you've read any of my blog posts or listened to any of my podcasts, you'll know by now that some of my core values are authenticity and openness. When appropriate, I share some of my story with my clients. I want people to know that they are not alone. And I want people to know that there is hope. I benefitted so much from hearing other's stories. I hope that I can be someone who encourages people with my stories.
So if you have stories that you haven't shared, know that you can share your story to empower yourself and to feel less alone or trapped by your story. Find a safe person who can bear witness to your story. A story shared often leads to feeling less alone and more hopeful.
Sometimes you may have a story to share that you have processed already and that can give others hope. Share it!
My dad was a preacher and loved telling stories. Over lunch, he would entertain our guests with story after story, often to the smiles of family as we heard the story for yet another time. I remember him preparing stories to go with each of his sermons. He said that people would likely not remember the points of his sermon, but that if he could share a relevant story, people would remember the stories and learn from them. Perhaps my love of and
respect for stories was influenced by him.
So if you have stories to tell, start by telling them to yourself. Journal, voice note, email to yourself - the ways of honouring stories are endless. Then share your story - either with a safe person if you need to give voice to your story - or if you have processed your story, with others, because you never know when your story might serve as the hope to help another person overcome in their dark moments.
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