This question posed by James Clear is one that my husband and I found crucial in our parenting journey as well as in our marriage. Often when issues arise, we as normal humans can get caught up in making sure our point it heard and sometimes we can get quite attached to our perspective.
Compromise can feel like a dirty word that means we have to give up something. When compromise is "I'll give this up if you give that up," it can actually leave both parties feeling dissatisfied. It can feel like lose-lose.
While thinking about the issue at hand and the impact it will have on the relationship may not change how we feel about the issue, what it may do instead is to change our approach and our perspective. If the goal is maintaining relationship, what we're actually aiming for is a win-win situation. The goal is for each person to know that they matter to the other, that they are safe with their partner/parent/friend. Relationship first!
A great question to keep in mind is "how will this impact my relationship with my partner/child/colleague/friend?" When we place relationship first, building a strong, loving, supportive, and collaborative connection, it can make issues easier to talk about.
Think about it... when you know you are safe with someone, that they genuinely love and accept you, and that they have your best interest at heart, it makes it easier to have difficult conversations with them and work through the challenges together.
A good friend often reminded me when my kids were younger to "choose your battles wisely." She always asked the question, "Is this a hill worth dying on?" It helped provide that perspective. The question really is, is this issue more significant than the relationship?
In a safe and healthy relationship, there is room for significant issues and for working through them together. When, however, someone feels that the issue is more significant to the other person than they are, this does not build safety in the relationship, it does not create a secure relationship, and it robs us of opportunities for those deeper connections I believe we all long for.
So a great question to have as a regular part of your repertoire is "Is it more important to win this battle or to maintain this relationship?" Thanks, James Clear, for the reminder as we seek to create emotionally safe, loving, and connected relationships.
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