Many days of celebration bring with it the potential of pain. Each of us brings our whole self to these days that are assumed to be days of joy. This means that we bring our joys, but also our sorrows, our grief, our longings, and our pain.
Mother's Day, like so many other days of celebration, is one of those days I hold in a delicate balance. On the one hand, I relish in being able to wish the mothers and mother-like people in my life a "Happy Mother's Day." It is, after all, a day to acknowledge their love and valuable contributions to my life.
At the same time, however, I know it is also a day that can be filled with pain, sorrow, and disappointment. For the mother who wasn't emotionally able to be the mother her child needed, for the mother who is no longer physically present, for the mother-would-like-to-be who mourns the child she does not have, for the mother who has lost her children to death or to circumstances, for the mother who miscarried and wears invisible wounds, for the mother who doesn't feel acknowledged for all she does, for the relationships filled with conflict... for so many it is also a day filled with difficult emotions.
Like so much of life, it seems the painful and the joyous find a way to exist together... complex, difficult, challenging, yet so human. Like so many moments, we must find a way to grapple with these tensions, honouring the emotions they raise, caring for ourselves amidst the pain, and yet valuing and celebrating those who have filled the roles of mother-figure in our lives.
Wherever you find yourself this weekend, as Mother's Day is celebrated in North America, know that you are seen. You do not have to pretend this day is something it's not. If you feel joyous and want to celebrate, celebrate. If you feel tender and raw and need to cocoon and nurture yourself, do so. If you feel under-appreciated and grieve a sense of feeling wanted, cherish yourself and care for yourself well. If you have a mother-like person who has stepped into your life and you want to acknowledge them, acknowledge them. Whatever your circumstances, care for yourself, care for those who are significant to you, and lead with your heart rather than expectations.
Several years ago I came across this tribute that acknowledges the range of emotions and experiences that Mother's Day can bring. I'd like to share it here again:
To those who gave birth this year to their first child - we celebrate with you.
To those who lost a child this year - we mourn with you.
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day
and wear the badge of food stains - we appreciate you.
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage,
failed adoptions, or running away - we mourn with you.
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods,
tears, and disappointment - we walk with you.
Forgive us when we say foolish things.
We don't mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms - we need you.
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children - we celebrate with you.
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance
with your children - we sit with you.
To those who lost their mothers this year - we grieve with you.
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother -
we acknowledge your experience.
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing
of motherhood - we are better for having you in our midst.
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year - we grieve and rejoice with you.
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising -
we anticipate with you.
This Mother's Day we walk with you.
Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst.
We remember you.
Credit: Amy Young of "The Messy Middle"
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