I have often said that people in our lives can teach us so much, if we allow them to. I have found this to be true in many areas of my life. My clients, if I allow them to be the experts on their own lives, can teach me so much. My husband has taught me so much about relationship and living life together well. As a parent, I know that my children have taught me to be the parent they need me to be for them.
“One of these things is not like the others” might be more accurately described as “none of these kids is much like the others” when it comes to parenting.
One of the things I learned in my parenting journey is that each child is more different from their siblings (and other children) than we could possibly imagine. It was so surprising to me how children who share DNA can be so different in terms of who they are!
It also surprised me was how quickly I was able to see personality differences in my children. I remember when my oldest was but a few hours old, watching my little babe lift its head off my shoulder and turn it from left to right as if surveying the entire world. This child of mine has continuously shown an incredible determination and curiosity about the world.
I remember being on a family road trip with my two oldest prior to there being four little humans in our orbit. My oldest was trying to sleep. For the last hour of the trip, every time we saw a little head nodding off, our second would squeal in delight and look over to see what her older sibling might do.
Needless to say, it was not our most relaxing road trip memory! I remember saying to my husband, “She’s so little, she can’t be doing that intentionally, can she?” However, we soon discovered as she grew older that she had a lovely, fun-loving, and interactive personality that often enjoyed teasing her siblings.
Actively looking to encourage the positive traits we see in our children helps them learn to become who they were made to be.
Looking back on these memories and many others, I find myself amazed at how our wee ones showcase their personality from the early days of their existence. This became the source of additional learning for me.
Early on I read the book “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Kurcinka. What a blessing this book was to me! I love how Mary continuously challenges us to view our children from a strengths-based approach. For example, rather than seeing a child as “stubborn,” which can have a negative judgement with it, she encouraged the reader to think of the child as “determined” – a quality which will serve the child well as they grow to adulthood. This approach resonated deeply with me, because I truly wanted to see my children’s hearts and see who they were as a positive.
If we truly honour the person who is rather than the person we want to see, we are blessed, and they flourish.
I have seen a few social media posts that encourage parents to love and celebrate the child they have, not the child they thought they would have. As parents, my experience has been that even when we hold our expectations loosely, things do not always turn out as we anticipate.
My kids have taught me that if I am willing to see them for who they are and honour their beautiful, wonderful, unique selves, they will truly flourish. As a parent, seeing my children flourish and grow is a wonderful thing to watch. There are definitely growing pains – likely on all parts – yet it is so rewarding to watch them become more and more themselves, and confidently so.
As we’ve watched our children grow and become confident, engaging, interesting young adults, we’ve also learned that one of the best things we can do is to listen to what our children need from us as parents. This has not always been logical, but when we stop to listen to what is happening from the child’s perspective, we are able to become who our child needs us to be as a parent.
We have learned in this process that what you see is not necessarily what you get. A second connected thought is that if we don’t expect them to do it our way, but are willing to learn what they need, we are more successful.
Two particular examples come to mind. When our children were younger, we tried to understand what precipitated their meltdowns. It often didn’t make sense to us, as we couldn’t find a pattern. However, I remember our Behavioural Consultant (BC) encouraging us to listen to our children and hear what their thoughts were.
With one of my kids, I remember asking how I could help when this child was having a meltdown. The answer was, “Give me a lollipop!” Typical parent reaction in my head was “Absolutely not!” However, I discussed it with our BC and she suggested trying it. She mused that perhaps it was meeting the child’s need for oral self-soothing (instead of sucking her thumb, for example).
We went on a parent-child outing to the store and my child chose an assortment of lollipops that looked good to them. At home, we put them up high in the cupboard and my child knew to ask for one when feeling overwhelmed. Much to my surprise, this strategy was one that actually worked to moderate meltdowns!
It wasn’t one that we needed for very long, but just being willing to hear what my child needed and working with that allowed my child to use the strategy for a short time and then no longer need it as they learned other ways of regulating.
Another vivid memory is of a family trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. Our adult-child ratio was 2:1, so we were set for success, I thought. However, on one particular day, I was left with one child while all the other adults shared responsibility for the other children. It was a challenging day, as I spent significant energy managing meltdowns and overwhelm. I stayed calm, but internally I was exhausted.
When we got home from our trip and I heard our kids chattering with some of our support team about their favourite parts of the trip, I was stunned to hear this child share that day as “the best day ever!” From what I observed, I would have thought this was the worst day ever. However, the fact that I was a calm, safe person who helped my child regulate and enjoy the day in spite of the change, stress, and crowd of people allowed this to be a fantastic day for my child.
I often find this helpful for parents to hear. We sometimes think that because it looks and feels difficult, it is terrible for our child and for us. The reality is that if we are present, calm, safe, and loving, in spite of the difficulty, it allows our child to experience joy in the midst of challenges.
I find that as parents, we do need to hold expectations loosely and really allow ourselves to be guided by our children. In fact, this leads me to the thought that has been a guiding principle for me and my husband as parents:
Relationship matters most.
Another way we’ve framed this is to say that we’d rather have their hearts – a true and genuine connection – than simply the ‘right’ behaviours. When our children were younger, this often meant that their behaviour didn’t look great from the outside. However, we were more focused on connecting with and teaching them from the inside out.
An example is when something happened where someone might expect an apology. The behaviourist approach would simply say, “You go say you’re sorry.” The child would then apologize, and everyone would move on. Yet we didn’t want right-looking behaviours without heart change.
In that situation, we would sit with the child and help them think through questions like, “What do you think that might have felt like for X when you did or said Y?” Once the child could identify and connect with what the harm done was, we’d then ask them to think about what they could do to help repair the relationship. Sometimes it would be simple things like “I could give them a toy” or “I could write them a sorry letter.”
It wasn’t usually the ways that we as adults would repair. However, the repair behaviour came from the heart. This was sometimes a tough sell, as society has some expectations about what apology should look like! But we genuinely wanted them to recognize the impact of their behaviour and seek ways to repair. This is a skill that is honed over time. If grace is given to learn, this becomes internalized and impacts how they do relationship as adults.
It is possible to live happily in a messy house!
Living in a household with five neurodiverse individuals and a zoo full of animals has definitely challenged my perfectionistic tendencies! Life has taught me to let go of unhelpful expectations and to focus on what I can do rather than what I can’t. As part of this, another thing my children have taught me is that it is possible to live happily in a messy house. While a messy house isn’t my ideal setting, I have also had to realize that I can only do so much.
My family does what they can, but sometimes they genuinely don’t see things that I see. So I have had to learn that I have options: leave it and let them do it when they see it and can do it, remind them and work alongside them to get it done, do it myself, or prioritize the things that need to get done and leave the others for another day, or bring in support to help get things done.
In the midst of it, I’ve realized that relationship really does matter more than a messy house. While I try to have little corners of ‘sanity,’ I also recognize that I have come to hold cleanliness much more loosely. In doing so, I am a more pleasant person to be around, and I feel less stressed.
Parenting is truly a one-of-a-kind journey. It challenges you. If you are willing, it grows you as a person. Embarking on the journey with the thought that you are not the expert, that it is not your job to control and direct everything, but rather that you are on a learning journey where you all learn from one another makes the journey more enjoyable and more successful, in my experience.
Our kids teach us so much, if we’re willing to learn!
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