If We're Willing - Part 1

I have often said that people in our lives can teach us so much,

if we allow them to.

I have found this to be true in many areas of my life. My clients, if I allow them to be the experts on their own lives, can teach me so much. I have often said that my children taught me to be the parents they need me to be for them. Equally, my husband has taught me so much about relationship and living life together well.

When I first embarked on the marriage and parenting journey, I had no idea that we would encounter some of the challenges we did. However, as I stop to reflect, I am so thankful for all that I have learned as a result. We can learn so much from others, if we’re willing.

When I met Richard, I found him intriguing. I realized very quickly that he was loyal, trustworthy, honest, and transparent. These were qualities that I found so amazing and refreshing. I remember early in our friendship, before the thought of anything more was even present, coming up against a difficult decision. I needed someone to talk to who would be honest with me. I turned to Richard.

Although there were many amazing qualities that drew me to Richard, however, we also encountered some interesting challenges that I just chalked up to quirkiness. For example, when we seemed to be heading towards some sort of significant relationship, but he seemed quite content to not start a conversation about it, I asked him, “Where are we headed?” He responded quite literally with, “Across the bridge into Vancouver.” I thought he was just being quirkily pedantic!

As we progressed in our relationship, we became increasingly aware that the books written about relationship and marriage were never an exact fit for us and our relationship. We chalked it up to the fact that I was in training to become a counsellor and so we just had different kinds of conversations.

However, there were little signs that perhaps all was not as it appeared. For example, one of my school colleagues in my master’s program observed that the types of conversations Richard and I were having in our first two years of marriage were conversations she and her husband had only started having many decades into their relationship.

Although Richard was reluctant to see a counsellor at first (much to my chagrin, because counselling wasn’t just something you did when things were ‘broken’), he eventually agreed. I remember so clearly the day the counsellor asked us if Richard had ever been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome [This is a term no longer used. The latest DSM classifies this just as part of Autism Spectrum.]. I was shocked and dismissed it.

As we embarked on our parenting expedition, we eventually realized that perhaps autism might answer a lot of questions, provide some helpful perspective, and give us a framework within which some of our challenges made a lot more sense. After all our children were diagnosed as autistic, Richard chose to have an adult assessment done and received affirmation that he, in fact, is also autistic.

So, what is the point of sharing all this information? The medical system can sometimes view a diagnosis through an illness lens. While autism brings some challenges to relationship, I have also learned that, if we are willing, we can learn so much from the neurodivergent people in our lives. With Richard’s permission, I am sharing some of the things that I have learned from him.

Enjoy the present moment thoroughly

As is so often the case, our greatest challenges are often the flipside of our greatest strengths. While Richard has often struggled with planning ahead, one of the things I realized about him very early on was that he has an incredible capacity to live in the moment and to thoroughly enjoy the present moment.

I, on the other hand, have always been a planner. My middle name could easily be Organization. While planning and organizing are great strengths, they often keep me so focused on the future that I miss out on the joys of the present moment. Richard has encouraged me to slow down – to sometimes leave the dishes for tomorrow so I can thoroughly enjoy what today has to offer.

On our honeymoon, I caught my first taste of what a vacation can be. It is possible to completely immerse oneself in the things that are enjoyable, relaxing, and life-giving, rather than having an agenda that must be accomplished. Despite taking a more relaxed approach to travel, we still see so much and experience such a wide variety of new and exciting things in our time away together.

State the obvious

State what is obvious to me because it may not actually be obvious to everyone! This was a game-changer for us. I remember the day I asked him why he hadn’t responded to something I thought I had implied. He asked how he could have known that if I didn’t state it. In hindsight, we realized that some of the subtleties of communication were lost on him.

He just didn’t catch some of the things that required reading between the lines.

I learned that maybe there was a more direct way of communicating and it brought me incredible freedom! What if, when I needed something, I could actually ask for it directly? That was a rather radical thought for me, and it changed how we interacted for the better.

Check your assumptions

I remember thinking that “If he loved me, he’d…” The implication was that if he wasn’t doing the things I thought he should be doing, or even that I had let him know helped me feel he loved me, it must mean he didn’t love me. Things changed dramatically for us once I realized that I was making some assumptions that weren’t helping our relationship.

Once I was able to acknowledge that I knew he loved me, even when he didn’t do anything for my birthday despite knowing that gifts were significant to me, I was able to recognize that there were other factors at play. Then we could address the executive functioning challenges without me feeling emotionally wounded each time one came into play.

It didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt, because it still did. However, I was able to understand that it wasn’t about him not loving me, but rather about him struggling with skills that were needed to love me as I most felt loved. Equally, it didn’t mean that we didn’t talk about it or that it was all ok because he just wasn’t wired that way. He ended up putting in a lot of work on his part to find ways to build the skills that could help him show love to me in the way that I could receive it well. We both learned how to work with each others needs, skills, and challenges.

It's ok to ask for what you need

I will never forget the day we were having a conversation about how he ‘must not love me’ (hear the assumption there? 😉) because he hadn’t done what I had asked him to do. He was surprised and asked when I had passed on this information. I highlighted the many times I had indirectly implied (which to me was “asking”) and he hadn’t responded. Richard responded with, “How could I know that if you didn’t tell me?”

I remember being quite shocked at this revelation! I thought that everyone could read between the lines and understand implications. In fact, I thought this was how people communicated generally. Being more direct in my communication, asking directly for what I needed instead of feeling like I had to manipulate situations indirectly actually ended up being incredibly freeing!

I have since realized that I am not alone in this! I love the opportunities I have to share with clients the thought that it is absolutely ok for them to ask for what they need directly. It feels strange, especially if you have been conditioned to think it is rude. For relationships, kind and direct communication can be a game-changer.

Rest is essential to good balance

From the beginning of our relationship, Richard has taught me how to rest well. Sometimes I really appreciated his perspective. For example, on our honeymoon we quickly found a relaxed rhythm of time spent in the pool and outdoors, time resting, time reading, and time preparing and eating good food. I realized that one didn’t need to have an agenda and a timetable on vacation, but that one could play each day by ear and enjoy it thoroughly. I remember not wanting to come back because it was such a lovely change to the way I ran my life, pre-Richard.

Once we did come back, however, and settled into daily life together, I wasn’t always appreciative of his approach. I was pretty sure that I had the right idea when it came to how to run a household. For example, one doesn’t sit down to relax until ALL the work has been done. I would often run myself ragged trying to get everything done and then feel resentful when I thought he was just sitting on the couch ‘doing nothing.’

It took years for Richard to convince me that it was in fact alright to go to bed with not every single dish on the counter washed. It was ok if the house wasn’t spotless when someone came over, because they were actually coming to see us, not the house.

Slowly, I began to recognize that to keep functioning well, I really needed to include some down time in my daily life. In all honesty, this balance is still one that I have not always mastered perfectly, and I continue to work on in my own life.

It did, however, give me greater freedom to not have to be perfect, to not have to have a perfect house, and to not have to have it all together to let people in. And it taught me that I matter, and as much as cleanliness and organization matter to some degree, they are not the most important thing in life, but are rather things that support the more important things such as relationship and connection.

I am accepted exactly as I am

Of all the things Richard has taught me, perhaps the most significant one is that I am accepted exactly as I am. I remember sharing with him the things about myself that I had never shared with anyone. For some reason, I had a very strong sense that I needed to share it with him prior to us committing to a life together. I was terrified that if I shared, it would change how he saw me. I agonized over when and how to have the conversation.

When I was finally able to verbalize the previously unspoken, his response stunned me. He let me know how much he appreciated me and that nothing changed how he saw me. In fact, my willingness to be vulnerable gave him permission to be vulnerable with me. From these early days of relationship, both of us knew that there was nothing off-limits to talk about, and that even if we shared something difficult, the precedent had been set that we were in this together, no matter what.

Final thoughts

At the beginning, neither Richard nor I had any idea that he was autistic. We realized quite early on that many of the relationship books were not quite resonating with us and our relationship and that many seemed to not be addressing issues that we were grappling with. However, we had no idea why that was. When our kids started to go through the process of having various assessments done and the possibility of autism was mentioned, things started to get clearer.

As we recognized that perhaps part of what we were dealing with was a different way of processing and thinking, it allowed us to continue along the path of constructing a healthy relationship together that took into consideration both of our needs, both of our strengths, and both of our challenges.

That was already part of our reality prior to an official diagnosis, but the diagnosis just provided us with more information that allowed us to home in on more tools and created more understanding and awareness.

Through it all, I came to realize more and more that the many things Richard has taught me have in many cases been connected precisely to how he processes and sees the world. Being able to understand that each of our approaches to life and learning has strengths and challenges, that sometimes a particular thing can be a strength in one situation and a challenge in another, and truly understanding that we are in this together and that we are stronger together, has been what has strengthened and grown our relationship over the years.

So I end up where I began…

People in our lives can teach us so much, if we’re willing to learn.