“How to hold regret tenderly: I wish I would have done that differently,
and, at the time I couldn’t.”
~ Syanna Ward
It was a cozy winter evening. My workday was done and I was snuggled in my warm pyjamas, settled into my comfy bed with a book and a cup of tea. Anyone observing me would think I was the picture of joy and contentment. Yet despite the snug and restful appearance, internally I was battling the dragon of annihilation.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
Although logically I had said nothing incorrect and had done nothing wrong, a conversation I had with someone earlier that day was playing on a loop in my head. What if? Could I have? Why did I? The accusations my own mind was bombarding me with left me feeling a deep sense of distress that I could best describe as ‘ick.’
Have you ever found yourself in that place of self-condemnation and frustration? Feeling like you should have, somehow, done better or known better? It often seems so much easier to have grace and understanding for our friends than for ourselves. We might even be able to offer them words of compassion to help ease their distress. Yet we frequently struggle to offer that same compassion to ourselves.
Self-compassion researcher and expert Dr. Kristin Neff writes that “self compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.”
As humans, it seems like our natural tendency is often to do exactly that, however - to criticize ourselves, to beat ourselves up, and to blame ourselves. When these thoughts perseverate and we get caught in these loops, we often find ourselves living with regrets. We ponder what could have, should have, and would have been. Some common areas in which people experience regret are in the areas of life such as relationships, life choices (career, education), and actions they either took or didn’t take.
“Very Well Mind,” a website dedicated to providing psychological resources has an article on regret where they review some of the studies that have shown how regret impacts peoples’ lives. Regret can have a negative impact on our well-being, keeping us stuck in the past as we ruminate about situations. However, it can also prevent us from living fully into the future and immobilize us from forward movement as the fear of mistakes and fear of regrets keeps us from taking the steps to move forward.
The opposite side of this, which can keep us equally stuck is deflecting blame and responsibility. Sometimes the thought of the ways in which we are not perfect or might have failed is so overwhelming that we deflect what we’ve done, whitewash it, and downplay the impact it may have had on others. This is equally damaging to our relationships. In order to acknowledge and hear the experiences of those we care about, we have to be able to accept that we may have done something that hurts and that wasn’t enough in that moment. If we deflect and try to explain it away, we miss an opportunity for our loved one to feel heard and understood. In fact, we damage their ability to be able to trust us and rely on us.
So how do we manage this? How can we live into the future, accepting our shortcomings, accepting when we didn’t do something perfectly, acknowledging how our actions impacted others, yet also have grace and compassion towards ourselves?
Here’s an excerpt from a Calm.com article on self-kindness that gives some practical steps:
What is self-kindness?
We often think of kindness as something we direct toward others, but it’s just as important to direct it toward ourselves. Self-kindness involves understanding and forgiving our own flaws and mistakes, much like we’d treat a friend or family member we love. It requires an internal reflection and a personal commitment to self-compassion. When we practice self-kindness, we can improve our mental and emotional wellbeing and live a happier, more fulfilled life.
Recognizing worth
Understanding self-kindness begins with recognizing your own value and worth and learning to accept yourself wholeheartedly without harsh judgment. When you make a mistake, you can choose to be forgiving and encouraging instead of being critical and hard on yourself. This doesn’t mean ignoring what’s gone wrong. It means acknowledging your actions without beating yourself up over it. It’s important to accept that making mistakes is a part of being human and doesn’t lower your worth in any way.
Acknowledging needs
Another aspect of self-kindness is being aware of your own needs and taking steps to meet them. Acknowledging your needs can mean setting aside time for relaxation, pursuing hobbies you enjoy, or simply allowing yourself some quiet time to reflect and recharge.
Positive self-talk
Self-kindness also involves the way you talk to yourself. Your inner voice can be supportive or critical. By choosing to replace negative thoughts with more positive encouragement and understanding, you can create a more positive and nurturing inner world. For example, instead of telling yourself, "I can't do anything right," you might say, "I made a mistake, but I can learn from it."
That evening, as I was emotionally beating myself up for what I wish I had said and done, I had an opportunity to practice some of these skills. I was able to acknowledge that I had done the best I could in that situation. I may have wished I said it better, but I didn’t do anything wrong and I truly did the best I could.
Photo by Jen P. on Unsplash
I also realized that I needed to take my focus away from ruminating on the what ifs of the conversation. I intentionally shifted my focus back to my evening relaxation activities again and again each time I found myself drawn back to the loop. I reminded myself that I hadn’t done anything wrong and that it was ok to let it be what it was.
I often remind people that this isn’t a set of skills that one develops by doing it once. It requires consistent practice and self-reminders. That evening, I didn’t just walk through this process once. In fact, I remember repeatedly coming back to the reminders and shifting my focus onto more helpful things. That night I realized that discomfort was survivable. It didn’t last forever and the world didn’t end because maybe I didn’t say something perfectly.
Questions for thought:
Are there areas of my life where I get caught in loops of what if/could have/should have?
How can I practice self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-kindness in those moments?
How might these practices help me move forward into the future I desire?