Grief is one of those journeys none of us willingly chooses. Grief follows a loss. This can be a loss of someone we care about, someone with whom we have had a complicated past, the loss of a hope or dream, and many other types of losses. A common experience in grief can be that of feeling alone. No matter how well supported we are, our journey of grief is ours and no one can walk it for us. Friends, family, counsellors and other supportive people may come alongside to let us know we are not alone, yet the knowledge that our journey is something only we can walk is our reality.
As a society, we have not generally managed grief well. Adam Grant, an Organizational Psychologist, shares that in the US, less than 40% of workplaces offer more than 3 days of paid bereavement leave. Anyone who has experienced a loss can attest that the hardest work of grieving happens not in the first three days, but in the many days and months that follow.
We also do not teach people how to respond well to others during times of grief and loss. Ask anyone who has experienced a loss what some of the most unhelpful things have been that they've experienced after the lost and you'll hear variations on these themes:
People avoiding them. Some people have described this as feeling as if they are contagious. This might come from a place of not knowing what to say, but on the receiving end it feels isolating.
People avoiding mentioning the person who is gone. It might be that they don't want to remind their friend of the person they have lost. The reality is that when you've lost someone you love, not talking about the loss doesn't mean you're not thinking about it. Often the most compassionate things a person can do is to acknowledge that they also think of that person.
People trying to offer comforting words that aren't comforting at all, such as "At least they're in a better place now." While well-intentioned, the reality is that if it were in our control, we'd choose health and well-being for our loved one over being in a better place any day - together feels like a much better place than apart.
Encountering the expectation that grief passes quickly and that they should just get over the grief quickly.
The reality of life is that all of us will face loss in some way at some point in our lives. Losses include:
Death of a person
Loss of a pet
Miscarriage
Infertility
Health changes and injuries (in ourselves or in our loved ones)
Job loss
Financial changes
Loss of relationship (partnership, marriage, friendship)
When a dream for our life doesn't come to fruition
Aging
Participating in living means we will also participate in grief and loss. I have never found the expression "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" to be particularly comforting because to me loss has not felt like something that can be balanced with "at least I loved someone or something." However, I also recognize that allowing myself to love, to connect, and to care will inevitably mean that I will experience loss as change happens.
In my first 25 years of life I experienced many significant losses. One of my grandfathers died before I was born. The other, I met only once before he passed away. I was close to my two grandmothers. Sadly, they both passed away by the time I was a pre-teen. Before the age of 25 I had lost my beloved older brother to cancer, my sister-in-law to a tragic car accident, a close family friend to a fatal condition, and my dad to an unexpected and rapidly progressing illness. Loss was an intimate acquaintance, but definitely not a loving friend.
As happens in life, the things that find us even when we have no desire to have them do so are also often the things that change and grow us if we allow them to. So it was with grief in my life. There was a season in my life where attending a celebration of life or a funeral was something I dreaded. It seemed that such a service brought my wounds to the forefront. I remember marveling at people who could attend a celebration of life and laugh at the stories about the person being remembered. As I observed the pain of those grieving, the emotions overwhelmed me and brought wave after wave of grief.
This didn't just happen at funerals. A few years after my brother had passed away after a two-year battle with cancer, I went to see a movie with friends. I knew nothing of the storyline. I just knew that I loved the actors and that it had great music. I was completely unprepared for a storyline in which one of the main characters is diagnosed with cancer and ultimately dies. While the movie ended with sadness but also with hope of the future as the two remaining main characters console each other and are there for each other, for me the movie-going experience ended in what felt like disaster.
I found myself weeping uncontrollably, unable to breathe, powerless to stop the sobbing. The fierceness of my reaction caught me off guard. I was no longer in a time where tears overwhelmed me constantly. In fact, life felt pretty good. I could even talk about my brother with fondness and joy rather than through tears and sadness. Yet this experience crept up on me so unexpectedly. That is the thing about grief: It has no timeline. Life may go on, but it goes on in a radically different way. There are moments when the echoes of what has been lost reverberate so intensely that we struggle to know where to turn for peace and calm.
Yet, through my grief I have also learned that while grief feels overwhelming, it is possible for life to continue after loss. Today, I attended a celebration of life for a family friend. She lived her life authentically, lovingly, quietly impacting those around her in significant ways. She died as she lived, loving people, filled with joy and peace, and profoundly affecting those in her circle of influence.
And I was able to laugh at the enjoyable and funny stories shared, to feel deep compassion for those in her family for whom the loss is most directly felt, but to not feel so overwhelmed by my own waves of grief that I couldn't be present for them in their grief and remembrance.
Grief is one of those things that changes us. Once we've experienced it, we are no longer the same. Grieving doesn't really end. The thing that was lost does not return. It doesn't mean life won't be good again, but it will never be the same. Grief and loss has changed how I view life. I have an understanding of the fragility of life, the way loss can happen unexpectedly and change everything, and the impermanence of our existence.
Whatever relationship you currently have with grief, know that you are not alone. Are you in the deep waters of grief? It may not feel like it right now, but you will get through. Even when it feels like these dark clouds won't part, there is hope and there is a future. If you haven't yet had a significant loss and haven't become intimately acquainted with grief, it is not something to dread. It might feel intense and frightening, but know that when grief comes, there are helpful supports and others who have walked this path who will be there to walk it with you, and you will make it through.
My journey with grief and loss has created within me a different awareness in life. I live with the recognition that while I make plans and live my life anticipating that those plans will happen, I hold those plans with gentleness and awareness that the expected does not always happen. It has led me to think about questions such as:
Who do I want to be? What are the values that truly matter to me?
How do I want people to experience and remember me? What does that mean for how I want to live my life?
What are the things that are really important? I know there are parts of life that have to happen, but I don't want them to push aside the things that genuinely matter most.
If you are in a place where reflection on life feels like a good thing, I welcome you to process these questions for yourself.
Resources:
David Kessler, grief expert, provides book, group, and podcast resources for many different types of grief
Hospice supports are offered in many different communities - groups, resources, counselling, support. Some supports in my local community include:
Langley Hospice Society
Peace Arch Hospice Society
GriefShare
Counselling can also be a place of support where you can talk about your loved one, your loss, the emotions, and have someone who can walk the journey toward the future with you.
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