Two weeks ago, my husband and I had the chance to spend two nights away in Victoria with good friends. We love spending time with these friends so we were excited for this first opportunity to spend more than a few hours together. The experience was fantastic!
At the same time, there was an unexpected element of remembering that caught me by surprise. I had a dream one night during our time away that took me right back to the days when my four autistic (but we didn't know it yet) kids required constant hypervigilance.
An active bolter, a distracted wanderer, a deliberate wanderer and a cling-on, any outing was intense and filled with stress. It was amazing how easily all my emotions existed again right there in my dream.
So why share that? My kids are now 19-24 and I wrote the start of this blog post while on a ferry with my hubby, coming back from a relaxing weekend away with good friends. Our kids stayed home and both of us commented how this was the time away when they have needed us least.
Yes, there was one panicked message about the cost of groceries (panic may have been mostly mine when I heard how much they spent 🤪), but the four of them figured it out together. Not every weekend away goes this smoothly. However, the dream reminded me that there was a time where this was not possible. We have all come so far!
Re-experiencing the intensity in my dream that was my every day reality when they were younger just made me think of you all who are there right now. Just wanted to send some virtual encouragement that change can happen and things may not always be as intense as they are right now.
So what got me through those days? A number of things. Now none of these were instant solutions. Many of them took time and patience. It was slowly and steadily moving in a direction, even when I couldn't see progress in that moment.
One that feels vital: Holding on to hope. Knowing that even though I didn't know how things might turn out - in spite of my worries about whether kids might be able to live independently or not - that I was going to continue to live with hope. This meant that I continued to do the things I needed to in order to set them up as well as possible.
Bringing in support! I can't say enough about how beneficial it was to have support people who love and accept our kids. This wasn't necessarily trained autism specialists (some were, some weren't), but people who saw our kids' hearts and wanted to help them thrive and be fully themselves. Sometimes our kids were able to hear things from our team that we as parents weren't able to say. And we no longer felt so alone when we had people who saw our life and were willing to be in it with us.
Connections with other neurodiverse families - again, not feeling so alone, having friends who could understand, adapting events and outings in order to accommodate. All these things helped build our social connections in a supportive and understanding way.
The common thread for me in all of these things that helped is allowing all members of our family to be themselves - to find ways to adapt life in a sustainable and fulfilling way rather than to expect them to fit into a system that doesn't acknowledge and value their differences. For when we truly see people and value them for who they are rather than trying to change them, they can truly thrive.
So if you are early in your journey and needing encouragement, know that you are not alone and that things can change more than might seem possible right in this moment.
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